Relapsed on day 29 of my sobriety. Congratulations to anyone who bet I wouldn’t last a month!
I wasn’t expecting to write this post so soon. I think part of me thought I could be the poster child of recovery: an instant success story.
I had a vision. Me, laying in a field of daisies, having a spiritual experience. My eyes are closed, and I have a peaceful smile on my face. Somewhere in the distance, a harp strums. A (recyclable) can of coconut water is in my hand.
Unfortunately, I underestimated the power of addiction.
While I was in rehab, the angel on my shoulder thrived. It was nourished by my undivided attention, and the love of those around me. With my “best self” getting stronger, it was easy to forget what had brought me to rehab in the first place– my dark passenger.
Contrary to what I thought, although temporarily restrained, it did not get any weaker. My addiction was doing pushups and taking steroids the entire time I was in rehab. One thing you hear a lot from recovering addicts is that when you relapse, you pick up right where you left off. I didn’t really understand what this meant until, well, now.
Relapse for me wasn’t having a couple glasses of wine. Nope, it was chugging rum straight out the bottle (no chaser needed), blacking out, getting kicked out of my sober house (temporarily, thank God), then proceeding to wake up the next morning still tipsy and chug a bottle of wine at 8am. Yikes.
This episode likely won’t make sense to anyone who isn’t an addict.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST STOP?”
Trust me, I’m still trying to make sense of it myself. It was embarrassing, a slap in the face to everyone supporting me, and started my sobriety count at 0 (could I have least made it a month?) Worst of all, IT WASN’T EVEN FUN! At least in the past, entertaining the devil had been somewhat amusing.
Taking that first shot of rum kicked off the awful out-of-body experience I, and many addicts, are all too familiar with. All bets are off. Someone else takes the wheel, and it sure ain’t Jesus.
This is where the silver lining of my relapse kicks in.
All day, I have been filled with a sense of gratitude for my relapse. Although it wasn’t pretty, it proved to me that I am completely powerless over my addiction (AA Step 1). I thought I had completed this step when I agreed to rehab, but I hadn’t.
I completed Step 1 when I woke up on Sunday morning. As soon as I realized I was sober, I started crying. The sense of relief I experienced was one of the most powerful I had ever felt in my life. It was immensely humbling, in the way that relief can only feel when something completely out of your hands turns out ok.
When I saw my parents for the first time that morning, I told them, “I’m back”. They knew what I meant.
So yea, today marks day 2 of my sobriety. Although I felt a little awkward speaking about my relapse my AA meetings today, all I got back was an outpouring of love and support. That’s the amazing thing about the rooms – there’s no judgement, everyone is just glad you found your way back.
; they’re just happy to see you back.
Almost Linear 