Isn’t this disease interesting? One moment your rational mind takes over and you know you’re done. Like *know*. You realize the damage you’re causing, the life you’re missing out on. You are CONVINCED that this time, it’s the end. Alcohol is out. Screw alcohol, FUCK alcohol. I won’t say “pardon my French” because I’ve never understood that expression, but you get the point.
But the next second, you suddenly feel like you can’t handle life without it. Not because it’s fun, not because you’re drinking with friends at a bar. Not because you’re savoring the taste of a fine whiskey. Because the sadness and anxiety in your heart feels too much to handle. Your heart literally hurts. And alcohol soothes that, at least temporarily.
Mental health issues aren’t the only thing responsible for my alcoholism, but they do contribute. I made the mistake of getting off Prozac, an antidepressant that literally saved my life a couple of years ago. The result of that is that I once again have no desire to do anything. I just want to stagnate in bed. I don’t even want to watch TV in bed, I want to stare at the wall.
It’s hard to explain depression, but think of it like this – no energy, no drive, no emotions (well when I first experienced depression I was crying randomly every two seconds – not a good look at work) but this time around, nothing. No emotions really, just a feeling that everything is pointless.
The thing is, I am fully aware that life is not pointless. As a kid, I was a really happy and grateful little human. Beauty was apparent to me everywhere; from daffodils blooming and letting us know “spring has sprung” (also hate that expression, but whatever) to the people that smile at you when you’re walking down the street.
I’m still aware of the beauty. I have so much beauty in my life. I have a family I adore. A boyfriend who’s stuck by me through thick and thin that I love to death. A cat who has slept by my side as I lay in bed shaking and sweating through countless detoxes. Friends who understand me. A gift for music. A body that has bounced back time after time despite my disrespect for it. I’m employed still! I just got in a car crash and the police didn’t even think twice about questioning me and I still have my license, when frankly I should be in jail for a DUI.
It might sound like a pity party to people who don’t take the time to understand it, but depression is extremely unnerving. It’s like this massive disconnect between your rational mind (the one that thinks) and your emotions. You KNOW things are good and you’re grateful, but you feel like nothing matters.
I guess I’m writing about all of this now because I am in a major depressive episode at the moment. That tied with my alcoholism has been a recipe for disaster because I frankly have no desire to take the steps needed to get better. Just recently, I cut myself in multiple places to “show how sorry I was” to the people I love, had a weird conviction that I was pregnant with twins (complete with morning sickness), and crashed a car.
I’m wondering, how does one take the rational and true idea that life is worth living and turn it into an emotional change? Because belief is emotional, not rational. Thoughts are words in our minds but belief is a feeling in our heart that things will be okay.
I’m not suicidal by any means by the way. I’m just venting, because I hope that some day I read this post and feel proud that I overcame everything. I am hopeful that some day very soon all of these experiences are going to help me to help others. That’s literally all I want in my life.
But I won’t lie, I’m sad right now. I’m wondering “why me”. (I know, pity party). I think I’m a decent human being. I love deeply, and I want to leave a positive impact on the people I encounter. I wish I wasn’t hindered with all this BS.
I’m also sad because of those I’ve hurt. I might lose my relationship and I almost hope I do, because I can’t stand affecting his life like this. I might mess up my parents marriage. My sister, who is also my best friend, is hurting and can’t turn to me right now because it’s too painful.
This is the reality of life right now.
I know I sound like a moping idiot who just needs to get her shit together, but again, there’s that disconnect. Mind knows, emotions don’t follow.
But, my cat is lying on my arm. I have a safe and warm apartment. My problems are normal human problems – not knowing if you’re living the life you should be living. Not knowing how to be actually independent from your family. Feeling a little lost. What 25 year old doesn’t feel these things?
I just have to keep reminding myself that these are normal problems, and hopefully this prozac kicks in ASAP so I stop feeling brain dead and low.
On that note, thanks for reading. I don’t want anyone to worry, so I will repeat this: in no way do I want to take my own life. I’m aware that I have some things to offer, and that taking my life would be selfish and hurt many people that I am lucky to have, and love very very deeply.
I’ll try to check in soon when I’m feeling more stable 🙂
Almost Linear 