Life is funny. One moment you’re working in the Pentagon and the next at…. Fat Pete’s BBQ. Yep, I start training tomorrow. Debating whether I need to buy cowboy boots or something.

Ironically, yesterday a random stranger asked me if I was from Texas (which I’ve never been asked before). MAYBE THIS IS ALL GOD’S PLAN!

Apparently Fat Pete’s strives to give customers “the best experience when it comes to flat out, stomach filling, smile on your face BBQ.” How touching. Anyways, come visit me if you’re bored and in DC. (Damn, look at me already promoting- watch out, I’ll be manager in no time).

Joking aside, I’m feeling pretty torn about this whole situation.

On one side, I’m super depressed. This is not what I expected for myself. I worked hard to try and achieve a life that would be fulfilling and impactful. The education, the internships, the interviews… I came so close to getting on the right path. Actually, I was on the right path until alcoholic, self-destructive Victoria pushed me into the gutter.

I feel myself entering pity-party mode, so here’s the bright side of things. For months now, my days have revolved almost exclusively around recovery. Rehabs, AA meetings, outpatient programs, detoxes, therapy, meds… It’s been exhausting, and I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself in the process. I’m starting to feel like alcoholism is the only thing that defines me. Even though that’s obviously not true, it’s a deeply disheartening feeling that I can’t seem to shake.

Essentially, besides recovery-based activities, my days have become as empty as my bank account. I think that working at a restaurant will be a good change of pace. At least my mind will be occupied with things other than alcohol and/or all the ways I’ve messed up my life as a result of alcohol. Maybe working a job surrounded by people who know nothing about my past will allow me to get my spark and vigor back. I miss my “joie de vivre” (yes I threw in French and it’s kind of pretentious but it sounds better than “joy of living”. Bite me.)

As a good friend told me, my path before was unsustainable. Maybe she’s right and I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing for now. Plus, free BBQ.