Relapse, detox. Relapse, detox. Relapse, detox.
I’m done.
“We’ve heard this before”. Yes, I know.
This time feels different though. This time, I’ve decided to become radically honest.
Because the truth is, I am a liar.
“Radical honesty is the practice of always being completely honest and refraining from telling even white lies.” – Wikipedia lol
Addicts are liars by nature and I am no exception. I’ve realized that I’ve lied my way through my recovery process. And this lying has stopped me from getting sober and becoming my best self.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve told people what they’ve wanted to hear and pretty much done whatever they wanted. As my therapist put it, I’ve been an appendage to others; a thumb.
This tendency has carried over into my recovery.
I would call my sponsor, bottle of peach-flavored vodka in hand (it goes down easier), and tell her I was sober and heading to a meeting. I would tell loved ones that I was fine, when really I was drinking before, after, and eventually during work, and feeling completely miserable. I would tell my therapist that I hadn’t been drinking, when I would frequently drink right after our sessions to numb whatever feelings were unearthed during that time (and then go to work). I would STILL claim I was sober while being semi-unconscious from drinking.
I keep telling myself, “it’s fine, I’ll eventually get out of this mess myself, and what they don’t know can’t hurt them”. HA. It’s comical that at this point I still think I can fool everyone. Do I think I’m the smartest person in the world or something? Who the fuck do I think I am? (Excuse the language).
I am not a covert alcoholic, and my loved ones aren’t idiots. They can tell when I call them while drunk. They know something is up when I stop communicating and don’t show up after we’ve made plans (because I’ve passed out from drinking). They know when I lie, and it hurts them. I am unreliable when I’m drunk, and that eventually pushes people away.
My AA friends aren’t idiots either. Because yes, I’ve even lied to them; shown up to meetings drunk and claimed I was sober. TO OTHER ALCOHOLICS. Of course an alcoholic can tell when another alcoholic has been drinking. *scoffs*
Last week, I detoxed at a facility and re-enrolled in an outpatient program, because I need help. I need to be accountable to a program because I am clearly not ready to hold myself accountable.
Something has snapped in me. I’m sick and tired of telling people what they want to hear. I’m sick and tired of bottling the rage that secretly bubbles in me when I ignore my own needs to please others.
I’m sick and tired of pushing away my loved ones, slowly but surely. I’m sick and tired of switching up liquor stores so no-one thinks I’m an alcoholic. I’m sick and tired of getting in my own way. Of losing my sense of self. Of having to come up with excuses for why I left work early, or didn’t show up at all.
I’m sick, and I’m SO tired. Lying is exhausting.
Being honest and setting boundaries with others scares the shit out of me, because I never learned to do it. Even as a young kid, if I didn’t do my homework and got a slip for my parents to sign, I would forge their signature. One time I got caught (thankfully, I was only 8 or 9 at the time so I wasn’t sent to jail).
Growing up, my friends would always ask me “why don’t you just ASK your parents if you can go to the mall/ come over after school” or whatever else we used to do. It baffled them that I didn’t. I was just too afraid. So I lied, time after time, and of course frequently got caught.
I’m not sure what I was (well still am) so afraid of, but I have a theory. By doing what (I think) other people want, I can hopefully get their validation. External validation doesn’t just fuel my self-esteem, without it I feel like I don’t exist. My internal validation system is broken, and consequently I am pretty much indifferent to myself/don’t care how I treat myself.
Anyways, that’s a topic for my next therapy session, heh.
The thing I like about the term “radical honesty” is that it includes white lies; lies that seem trivial and are used to avoid hurting people’s feelings.
I am the queen of white lies.
The problem is, I think I can read other people’s minds. I automatically assume what they are going to say, or what their reactions are going to be. Then, I play out every possible scenario in my head and pick the one I think will please the most, or hurt/disappoint/anger the least. I don’t even think twice about telling white lies. If that’s what (I think) it takes to please other people, so be it.
Unfortunately, the lying also happens internally.
I haven’t been purposely sabotaging my sobriety, though it may seem like it at times (fine, a lot of times). I’ve been believing the lies my mind throws at me. “You don’t need any help, you can get sober on your own”; “One pint of liquor won’t hurt anyone”; “You need to be tipsy to have this nerve-wracking conversation”, “This job is awful and you have nothing to do; your employers are practically asking for you to drink”. Etc.
You’re only as sick as your secrets, they say in AA. Stubborn as I am, I had to learn this the hard way.
Anyways, though it might take some time to get used to, (and I’m sure I will have some slip-ups), being radically honest, especially when it comes to my recovery, is now my main focus.
And that’s not a lie, promise.
*Featured image from abc.net.au
1/26/20 Addendum
AA is weird. Somehow whatever has been on your mind lately seems to pop up somewhere. For example, today’s daily reflection (AA has a daily reflection book with inspirational messages for each day). Take a look…
RIGOROUS HONESTYWho wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 24
I am an alcoholic. If I drink I will die. My, what power, energy, and emotion this simple statement generates in me! But it’s really all I need to know for today. Am I willing to stay alive today? Am I willing to stay sober today? Am I willing to ask for help and am I willing to be a help to another suffering alcoholic today? Have I discovered the fatal nature of my situation? What must I do, today, to stay sober?
My mind was blown when I saw this… just thought I’d share 🙂
Almost Linear 