Alcohol and anticipation

I just want to throw something out there: being sober sucks.

Back when I wasn’t quite yet a raging alcoholic, what got me through my days was the promise of a fun and exciting weekend. Getting ready to go out was always the best part for me; I fed off the potential of the night ahead that lingered in the air as I applied the makeup that would turn me into a clown by the end of the night.

In reality, 99% of nights out with my friends involved freezing our asses off waiting in line for a club, getting in only to asphyxiate in the overcrowded, body-odor-imbued venue, then consuming an ungodly amount of fast-food in the hopes of soaking up some of the gross amounts of alcohol we had forced into our systems. (And let’s not talk about the ensuing hangovers).

Once I became a daily drinker, I realized that alcohol’s pull on me was (and still is) that same feeling of anticipation that keeps nightlife venues in business despite its patrons reliving the same uneventful night time after time. When I drink, I feel like anything can happen. Everything feels a little more adventurous and the world becomes a little more colorful.

Maybe my main issue is that adult life seems inherently boring and lackluster to me. I don’t find it a coincidence that both my depression and my drinking spiraled when I got my first 9 to 5 job. I also don’t find it a coincidence that I haven’t been able to hold a steady job  since.

The thought that there are endless possibilities for my life deeply disturbs me – how does anyone make any decisions knowing this?

I recently saw this quote:

As you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.” — Eckhart Tolle

Maybe I’m not getting the point of the quote, but I can’t relate.

Uncertainty is fine. The idea of infinite possibilities, on the other hand, definitely seems to be preventing me from making changes in my life. How can I initiate change when there are so many options out there? So, I haven’t done it– not really.

My life has taken a certain direction, but I’m not sure how much of that has been due to my own will (yes, free will may not even exist, but for the sake of my sanity I’m not going to go there in this post). Most life decisions I’ve made have been influenced by others, or have been spurred by taking (without really thinking twice) opportunities that have fallen into my lap.

So, here I am now living a life I’m not sure I’ve created. When I process my consistent relapses (many of which have caused me to jeopardize important parts of my life), I wonder – am I doing this on purpose? Am I getting in my own way because I’m rebelling against this life? Because secretly I want something completely different?

Most likely, I’m just the perfect example of someone with Peter-Pan syndrome:

“an inability to grow up or engage in behaviour usually associated with adulthood.”

Yep, maybe I need to grow the fuck up and start making some decisions for myself. If anyone has any tips for that, let me know.

*Disclaimer: none of this was written as an excuse to avoid sobriety. I’m just trying to figure out why it’s been so damn hard.*